MVP. MVP. MVP. MVP! MVP! MVP!

pky
hey yankees, suck this wang.

imagine a bizarro world, aka hell on earth, where the yankees have David Ortiz. after steinbrenner successfully convinces cashman to get Ortiz, 2004 becomes yet another lost year, where Ortiz feasts on red sox pitching, completely torches the red sox, and will forever haunt them, after going 9 for 10 in the 04 ALCS, clocking in 7 HRs, 26 ribeyes, 4 walks, boasting a behemoth 1.344 OPS, winning game 4 in a 4-0 sweep. a certifiable red sox killer. THE definitive red sox killer.

HAHAHAHA. i dont think so. eat your wang yankees. cause this David Ortiz character is so nasty it's ridiculous. he continues to surpass all my expectations.

so i was wrong yesterday. my best estimation had me expecting a hard loss from the red sox. way off. BUT. dont be fooled. i went 2-1 yesterday, and the method continues to maintain my nascent, yet out-of-this-world success rate hovering around 66% (11-6 so far, 64% to be exact). it's early still, but i think i'm onto something.

You arent dreaming folks. Ortiz is on the Red Sox. and he's every bit as good as advertised. He is the MVP. To be a realist, I think that the voters on the MVP are too ignorant to understand how good ortiz is, and they're likely to suck on the TEET that is the ARod (gaytwig, gaystick, homorod, call him what you want, cause you'll be right) bandwagon. and i'm ok with that. cause arod won it a few years back, after pulling his texas rangers TRULY out of the QUAGMIRE known universally as "LAST PLACE" and put his team into... LAST PLACE. that's right. by my best refined mathetmatical prowess, that means that... by my calculations... the rangers with arod vs the rangers without arod... would be no different. AROD the cooler was so valuable that with his bat and defense, they stayed exactly in last place. LAST PLACE. wait, how did he get the MVP then?!?! you smell that? i smell the TEET, THAT IS THE AROD BANGWAGON. you hear that suckling noise? as far as I'm concerned, he can have the mvp award. we all know who the real mvp is. gaytwig still wont win anything meaningful. give him two mvp awards this year. eat a dick alex dickriguez. do you see what i see? i see an alex, stuck between two dicks. that's right.

dont get me wrong. he has a good bat. and he plays hard. would i take him over manny? you better believe i would. but he's no mvp. get it in your head. mariano rivers is a bigger mvp than arod. aaron small is a bigger mvp than arod. get that right. maybe even chacon is too.

the playoffs officially start tonight. get ready.

Red Sox Yankees. It's time to step the hell up red sox and put the yankees out of their misery. for twice.

Thank you David Ortiz, for being everythign this team has needed you to be and more. Thank you for taking my mind off steroids. oh wait, Giambi's on deck. oh wait, sheffield's on deck. tools.

We are awaiting a historic series here, that may possibly be talked about and remembered for generations.
-------------
as for tonight, back to reality.
david wells puts fear in me. and doubt. and even worse, the 1-6 yankee hitters- jeter, giambi, sheffield, posada, etc, etc are all hitting over .300 against wells. with exception to HGHboy, who's hitting .296. i mean, juiceguy, i mean steroids, i mean dickhead.

i have this sinking feeling that they're going to walk ortiz every time he's at the plate, and take their chances with manny. i gotta tell you, i dont have that much confidence in manny. i know he's nasty when he's nasty, but when he's not, it's awful to watch. some of his Ks are tough to deal with. but i guess if that's a problem, that's the kind of problem you want to have.

secondly, matt clement should be banished from pitching again. i think he's awful.

lets check how i did on over/under last night.
MY PREDICTIONS
event over/under paul's take
-innings before taken out 2.1 under, 2.0 innings
-runs given up 6 over, 7
-pitch count 95 under, 92
-walks 6 push
-hits 8 under, 6
-batters hit by pitch 3 under, 2
-wild pitches 2 under, 1
-times kevin millar brings
nothing to the table 10 over, x*
* there is no measure to this number, as it transcends all known mathematical methods of quantification

ACTUAL RESULTS
Pitchers IP H R ER BB SO HR ERA
Matt Clement 5 8 4 4 3 2 1 4.57
i was under on the innings
i was slightly over on the runs given up
under on the pitch count (96)
under on the walks
over on the batters who got hit (1- vernon wells)
dunno # wild pitches
and I WAS WAY UNDER on kevin millar. WAY UNDER. infinity might be closer.

conclusion: i clearly dont know what i'm doing with over under
real conclusion: "when you aim high, aim as high as you can, cause when you fail, at least you're among the stars." holy crap that's non-hetero. homo-suspicious.

QUESTION OF THE YEAR: WILL DAVID WELLS HAVE ANY CONTROL OR COMMAND OVER HIS PITCHES TONIGHT? OR WILL HE RELY ON HIS BUILT IN EXCUSE OF HIS SHAKY KNEE?

for the record, i'm not answering that question. there's too much on the line here.

--------------
the Sports Guy's book tour schedule this weekend- expect to see me there saturday.

All right, here's the final schedule for my book tour. If you want to get a book signed and have an awkward ten-second conversation with me, this is your big chance.

THE TOUR SCHEDULE:
• Tuesday, September 27: New York, NY
Riviera Café & Sports Bar -- 6:30 p.m.

Comments: This is the only NYC stop ... hopefully I won't get shanked like an inmate on "Oz." And yes, I'm prepared for all the "Thanks for keeping first place warm for us" jokes from Yankee fans. Bring them on.

• Wednesday, September 28: Stamford, CT
Borders Book Shop -- 7:30 p.m.

Comments: This is right off the Merritt Parkway and easy to find. My Uncle Ricky (the diehard Yankee fan in my family) will also be there autographing copies of his new book, "25 More to Go And You'll Catch Us."

(One other note: We had to cancel the West Hartford stop the following afternoon -- sorry about that.)

• Thursday, September 29: Worcester, MA
College of the Holy Cross -- 7:00 p.m.

Comments: If there's going to be a Larry Eustachy-type moment from this tour, this night is the odds-on favorite. Just kidding. I am going to sign some books, give a speech about college life, complain about the fact that our administration doesn't give football scholarships anymore, and then ESPN will quickly hustle me out of there before I end up on Caro Street doing keg stands.

• Friday, September 30: Boston, MA (Kenmore Square)
Barnes & Noble at Boston University -- 5:00 p.m.

Comments: Hopefully the Red Sox season won't be over before this signing happens, but it's taking place right before the first Yankees game. We'll also be handing out replica forks that look exactly like the one sticking out of Edgar Renteria's back right now.

• Saturday, October 1: Boston, MA
The Souvenir Store -- 11:30 a.m.
Note: Only ticket holders for Saturday's Red Sox-Yankees game may attend.

Comments: Sadly, only fans holding game tickets can attend this one before Saturday's Yankee game. We are trying to work out something for Game On (a bar right next to the ballpark) right after the game, so stay tuned on that front.

• Sunday, Oct. 2: Boston/Foxboro
No signing this day -- I'm either going to the Pats-Chargers game or the Sox-Yankees game (if it means anything). This day could either be fantastic or give new meaning to the word "Black Sunday."

NEW STOP!
• Monday, Oct. 3: Boston, MA (Downtown Crossing)
Borders Book Shop -- 12:30 p.m.

• Tuesday, October 4: Washington, DC
ESPN Zone -- 6:00-8:00 p.m.

Comments: Honestly? This was just an excuse to hang out with my buddy House for the night. Don't tell ESPN.

• Wednesday, October 5: Chicago, IL
ESPN Zone -- 6:00-8:00 p.m.

Comments: Earlier this week, I found out that Pearl Jam has a concert at the Hard Rock in Chicago that night and that tickets were a $1,000 per ticket. So I e-mailed ESPN and said, "hey, any chance we could find 2 tickets for this?" Needless to say, nobody e-mailed me back.

One other note: We're going to have a Sonny McLean's stop during the week of 10/10-10/14, but it depends on the playoff status of the Red Sox and what days are free. And please check back for any potential changes to this schedule, because you never know what could happen. Thanks!